why does my husband's drinking bother me so much

And we tried couples counseling, but the counselor took his side, telling me that his boundary violations were like a St Bernard puppy and telling him not to bother with me because Id never be satisfied and that I didnt know how to be happy. Yes, but it's not exactly problematic in the same way that your drinking was, and there's no shame in that. So, first of all, I want to commend you for maintaining your sobriety. Opening a conversation with your partner about his drinking may seem scary. According to the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse (NIAAA), low-risk drinking for a man involves: If your husband is drinking more than this, you may want to have an open conversation about his drinking and talk about professional help if necessary. No relationship can ever be satisfying unless two people actively create opportunities for expressing what they want from the other and for ironing out their inevitable differences. We might intend to meet a friend for one drink, and that might lead to a second or third, and then another bar. No one wants to hear what you have to say. His father also gave him long lectures that expressed his underlying disappointment in his son. I think you'll find it very useful not only in figuring out how to cope with these specific feelings, but also in how to understand your feelings in the future, how to communicate assertively and directly not passive-aggressively, how to manage your own responses to alcohol, and so on. While addressing your husband about their drinking habits may appear to be a risky move, the longer you leave the topic unsolved, the more likely the problem will develop. To what extent is a wife supposed to support her husband, or her sons, for that matter? It does sound irritating for a sober person, or probably even just someone who really doesn't drink. Ive expressed my annoyance to my husband. Who we are being regardless of the circumstances is all we can control in an intimate relationship. In this situation, you might be able to find a medium ground by asking that you both abstain from alcohol one evening a week or that your husband pledges to limit their drinking when you go out together. His drinking is not only harmful to his health, but negatively impacts your relationship. I dont really know what to say in terms of advice, but it seems worth it to have another conversation around creating boundaries such as not hosting parties if theyre going to be booze-a-thons, or having your husband offer something between not drinking at all in solidarity and binge drinking (which does have serious health implications). I'm a more than regular drinker, and weigh a little over 200 pounds. Answer (1 of 14): Your husband is doing something perfectly legal, harmless and appropriate. She felt he wasnt paying attention, and that she didnt matter to him. No, it is not. Couples therapy aims to intervene and turn the destructive cycle into a constructive one, where supportive relationships lead to increased abstinence and so on. 6 Possible Reasons, After a prolonged period of heavy drinking, alcohol has a bad impact on your husbands personality, Your husband spends a lot of time away from home and misses the important family and work gatherings and events, Your husband struggles to quit drinking in the evenings or when on vacation. Do I Need to Break Up With My Boyfriend If He Drinks & I Don't Like It? This is one of the most helpful thing Ive read about marriage problems .. it made me realize so many things I could of been doing wrong to resolve arguments with my husband, THANK YOU. I'm curious what would really happen if you took him up on his offer to be sober with you at one of these events. I know it hurts watching someone you love hurting themselves and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. Like Pauline, I've tried drinking with him, now it must makes me sick to see the number of bottles which get thrown out every week. It is doubtful that your spouse would reduce their alcohol consumption if you just advised them not to drink or complain about their drinking habits. Better to say something positive to the spouse who has had several drinks a day for years, but who for the past month has had more sober days than drinking days, and who drinks less on those days when he or she does drink. "Terms of Use", Lesson learned (finally!). He has been violent to me, he has thrown things at me, he has slapped me, he has hit me with a dog lead, when in his dark moods he says the most vile things, but then he wakes up the next day and is bright breezy and full of optimism - "what's my problem?". It is important to know someone who understands what you are going through. Approaching the matter of your husbands excessive drinking might be tough at first. Dealing with an alcoholic spouse is an uphill battle. Misophonia is little studied and we don't know how common . You can also attend Al-Anon meetings, which are fellowship groups specifically for family members of individuals struggling with addiction. As we age, heat illnesses and heat stress can be prevented by taking a few precautions. People are being treated like products that can be easily discarded and we wonder why depression and anxiety is at an all time high??? For more on addiction and recovery, click here. Police and accident reports may be used as proof if your spouse has ever been arrested for DUI or caused an accident . Elizabeth, your life sounds much the same as mine. appt. Why does my husbands drinking bother me so much - (Image Source: Pixabay.com) How is alcoholism proven in a divorce? You cannot change a drinker anymore than a druggie, it's the same thing, they have to want to change or nothing ever will. It might be crucial to consider how painful or significant life events, such as losing a job or having a child together, may alter your partners drinking habits. My previous relationships where never like this, but it makes so much sense. Moreover, we fail to ask ourselves, Why am I so reactive to that particular behavior by my partner? My husband just fell off the wagon again. However, when our emotional reaction to our partners behavior feels particularly intense or when our critical inner voice gets especially loud, its often a sign that something from our past is being tapped into. If your husband is struggling with alcohol addiction, recovery may seem a long way away. Research has found that drug and alcohol abuse may lead to relationship dissatisfaction, instability, and verbal and physical aggression between you and your partner. Unfortunately.:(. Its full of the highest highs, like when they swear to stop drinking, and the lowest lows, like when you uncover their stash or when they leave home in a rage, looking for the bar instead of staying for dinner. My husband and I have been married 28 years, a great achievement by today's standards. The following are the primary indicators that your husband may have a drinking problem: There are various methods you might positively affect your partners drinking habits if you frequently notice indications that they could have a drinking issue or possibly an alcohol addiction. Your feelings are your own responsibility. AA has long recognized this, and while it celebrates the individual who has years of unbroken sobriety it also celebrates the individual who has days or weeks of sobriety. Potential for addiction. The emotional climate between parents is your kids' best security blanket. Occasionally he gets angry and these are the times I dread. Has anyone ever told you that you are too sensitive or too emotional? Two weeks ago he said he was unhappy and that my leaving was the only way to make him happy. Hi.I'm hoping to get a reply from someone who has experience of being married to a heavy drinker. She earned a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Southern Illinois University in Carbondale and a Masters in social work from the University of Illinois in Chicago, where she specialized in mental health. A sports drink, such as Gatorade, is good to have with you while out and about in hot, humid weather. I explored why tensions can rise so quickly, and things can feel heated before either person has a chance to understand whats going on. Thank-you Fiona.Good to hear things are looking alot better for you and your family now. That's what helps me win that argument with myself, day after day, when the voice in my head says a drink would make me feel better/happier. He pressured me into telling my in laws I was pregnant in my second month. CarolE Member Thread Starter Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Columbus Ohio Posts: 20 Why does his drinking bother me? This kind of confrontation undoubtedly led to many people dropping out of treatment, refusing to attend even a single AA meeting, or both. While my husband (45yo) has continued to drink throughout my many attempts to get sober, he has been extremely supportive both practically and emotionally. Who does she think she is anyway? From this perspective the drinking world is a spectrum as opposed to a dichotomy. If I play it cool and don't appear upset, he is a very happy person and maybe mildly overcompensates by being extra sweet or extra helpful with dishes, kiddos, etc because he knows he's drunk. That's not a judgement, just an obervation. Although it sounds simple, this distinction is not easy to make, and sometimes only a trained expert can help you establish whether your husband has a problem or not. Recovery takes time. Romantic relationship dynamics are often repeated from childhood relationships -you and your partner may both find traits in each other similar to traits in your caretakers the good and the bad (the bad ones leading to triggering each other). If you agree that it gets nowhere to get into a "diagnostic standoff" as described above, then here are some suggestions for addressing this issue more effectively: Calling someone an alcoholic has a nearly 100 percent chance of getting their hackles up. But is this reality? Reddit, Inc. 2023. Drinking less alcohol is better for health than drinking more. If you calmly describe how their drinking is impacting you, they may see this as a challenge to meet rather than a harsh condemnation. Would you find him attractive? You'd think we have been through thick and thin enough times that nothing should surprise us anymore. For example, he may say he only has a few drinks each night to unwind from the stress of his job and that doesnt equate to a drinking problem. What they don't tell you about key hole surgery can you get a dodgy tum from undercooked potato? You dont feel entitled to say that directly because he doesnt have the compelling reason to quit that you had. The greatest risk of living in the almost-alcoholic zone is that people may not "connect the dots" (or want to connect the dots) between their drinking behavior and its consequences, including its consequences on their relationships. So youre just sort of chopping away at it from the inside until it stops being the good marriage youre afraid to lose. For all those millions of men and women who are in the almost-alcoholic zone, it may be quite possible to reverse course and "shift left" on the drinking spectrum. This is a tough one. There might be progress. If it wasnt for our kids together and me lacking a job at the moment, Id be considering separating very strongly. The reason why this scene is so common -- and futile -- has to do in part with the way society (and health professionals) have traditionally viewed drinking problems, which is as a dichotomy, as represented by the diagram below. However, if your partners drinking habits become unhealthy, the relationship may become more complex. In order to prevent an HFA from getting overly defensive, you can place the emphasis on your feelings and concernsinstead of stating how you think he or she should be living or acting. Honestly, Im considering leaving the relationship. Your husband may minimize the amount he drinks, make light of the consequences of his drinking or claim you are being dramatic. All posts copyright their original authors. What do you do with the info that makes the present day triggers stop? I just wanted to touch base as I am married to a functioning alcholic and he drinks every night, he is often well away by the time the kids are in bed and it can be very very lonely. Rather, they fall somewhere in the almost alcoholic zone that is depicted in the following diagram. Psychalive - Psychology for Everyday Life, How Meditation Is Linked to Better Mental Health, Why Am I Still Single? Photo illustration by Meredith. The key word here is addiction. The most important preventative measure is to stay hydrated with fluids that contain carbohydrates and salt. Here are a few very common examples: "Have you noticed that over the past six months or so you tend to fall asleep early on the couch after having your evening drinks? I'd expect to be intolerable to be around towards the end of that, if not totally incoherent. Marry him? 40 mins of me with my newborn became dreaded 40 mins not having his parents in the room. If he continues to drink, boundaries need to be set. By the way he invited his mom to stay in our home when we came home with my new born. But they are not good enough reasons to criticize your husbands behavior. There are many, many reasons why it bothers me; too complex for words. - Quora. Right now he is working overseas, and I do not even miss him; actually I feel less stressed. Addiction recovery programs usually combine a range of treatment options tailored to each persons needs. ", "You say that you've been feeling kind of depressed and tired. If he thinks it's not good to show affection in public, or even in private, try and explore how he came by his beliefs. This worked quite well for 4 years til he was made redundant, he is just about to open a restaurant and is drinking so much all the time. We've been together for 15 years and I can absolutely tell when he's had 2 beers or when he's had 8 beers or several cocktails. Reading this helped me understand my triggers and I can start a healing process with my own issues. My Husbands Drinking Is Ruining Our Marriage: What To Do? I (38yo) am 4 years sober in a 10 year relationship. Anything that you do that does protect the alcoholic or addict from the consequences of their actions could be enabling him to delay a decision to get help for their problem. Why does it bother me so much? With this in mind, its essential to take care of yourself too. What steps do you take when youre trying to explain to your partner why youre triggered and what youd like to do to fix it and they either rehash what you did wrong or tell you that you arent getting better at fixing the triggers? Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Aside from that, most men and women who are experiencing drinking-related consequences fall somewhere in the almost-alcoholic zone. Perhaps your partner is not ready to help you through this process and/or perhaps he is triggered himself. If he decides to seek treatment, be patient. If your husband has a drinking problem, its normal to feel frustrated, concerned, and exhausted. Carol - i can relate except mine didn't total a vehicle. Pick a time when your husband hasnt been drinking. There is a compromise in here somewhere and a counselor may be able to help. Period clot normal? I'll add that I used to be a social drinker, I gave it up for health reasons and now am pretty much a teetotaler. Its getting old. He refuses even to consider counseling. The above approach is much more likely to create a bond between spouses than a confrontational approach or one that seeks perfection over progress.
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